Punch and Judy
(John Pole)

I am the showman and on me back
I carry's me actors, in me pack
A puppet showman, that is yours truly
And the stars of me show are Punch and Judy
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
Oh, backin' up those symbolical fellas

The first one up is ole Punch, 'iself
''Ladies and gents,'' 'e says, '' 'ere's your good health''
'e carries a big stick whereever 'e goes
It's thick and strong and as long as 'is nose
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
Big nose and long stick, 'e's a comical fella
Now up comes Judy, Punch's old lady
''Sae I'm off now, so mind the baby''
''No, I won't,'' says Punch ''Yes you will,'' says Judy
''Come 'old your kid, me lad, none of your old moody''
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
Cock sure by 'en pecked, poor comical fella

The kid keeps 'owling, old Punch, 'e thumps it
It bawls, 'e calms it down Into bed 'e dumps it
It bawls, 'e belts it It bites 'is finger
Punch up and throws it, through the bloomin' winder
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
Lie there ya bleedin' brat, to bawl and bella
Now back comes Judy She's back 'ome again,
Not knowin' Punch 'as done the nipper in
''Where's the baby, Punch?'' ''Gone got to sleep,'' 'e says
''Don't you know where your own son is? You make me weep,''
she says
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
''Oh, I bound it out the window,'' 'e 'as to tell 'er

She cries 'er 'eart out, ''Where 'as my lit'l son gone?''
Says Punch, ''There's plenty more, where than one came from''
She grabs a stick and clubs him something lovely
He grabs it, kicks 'er, kills 'er Ugly
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
Why keep a wife 'you 'ate, when you can kill 'er
Up comes a copper, all dressed in blue
''Say Mr Punch, I'm arrestin' you
I've got a warrant 'ere, to arrest you for what you've done''
''And I've got a warrant,'' says Punch, ''to knock you down''
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
Knockin 'im arse over 'ead, right down to the cellar

Well, the law soon catches 'im, and in a while
Before judge Blackcap, 'e's standin' trial
''Killed wife and child,'' 'e says, ''you guilty wretch
Go out and 'ang 'im, Mr Ketch''
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
'' 'ang 'im up but don't hang me,'' 'e cries in terror
''See this 'ere rope,'' says Ketch ''Poke your 'ead through''
Old Punch lets on 'e don't know what to do
''In 'ere, Mr Ketch, or perhaps in 'ere?''
'' 'ang on,'' the 'angman says ''I'll show you where''
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
Swingin' up the 'angman, 'e's a swinging old fella

''Jack Ketch is dead,'' cries Punch '' 'oorah, 'oorah, I'm free
Don't care if a devil from 'ell should call on me
Jack Ketch is dead,'' cries Punch '' 'oorah, I'll do 'em all''
Up pops the devil, tail, 'orns, 'ooves and all
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
''Leave off! I'm your best friend We're birds of a feather''
Well, the devil darts at Punch, 'cause 'e ain't 'aven it
'e grabs a stick but Punch, 'e keeps grabbin' it
'e lands a mi'y swipe on Satan's nut and
The devil's out for the punch, as dead as mutton
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
'e's killed the devil, 'eretical fella

Now the show is ending and the dolls need mending
The Punch and Judy show is never ending
Inside each one of us is a Punch and Judy
In you, Sir, and in you, Mam, and in me, yours truly
''That's the way to do it,'' says Punchinella
The Punch and Judy show goes on forever